This is one of the photos that make me smile -- that's Ananda, my Siamese cat. She turns 5 this year. Like her name, she is truly a source of bliss. Chin says that Andie (Ananda's nickname) is my familiar and that she actually displays some feline version of my own temperament. Meow!

Madre Teresa de Jesus, Carmelita

This is the only known portrait of Saint Teresa of Avila painted during her lifetime. Not only did she endure having to sit for it, she chided the young friar who painted it for making her ugly and bleary-eyed, so to speak. It was Teresa's take on modesty. She was unusual for a cloistered nun -- vivacious, attractive, witty, quick-tempered and sometimes sharp-tongued. But she was also renowned for her piety, her compassion, her intelligence, her determination, her kindness and her intense love for Jesus.

Teresa de Jesus, the first woman doctor of the Church, is one of my immortal heroes. Having watched a movie about her life when I was in kindergarten, there began my lifelong dream to become a Carmelite cloistered nun. Indeed, 30 years later, I entered a serious discernment of this goal that never left me and I remain open to the possibility of spending the rest of my life in prayer behind the grilles. But I try not to obssess about it. Even while I take spiritual direction from a wonderful, pious and modest young Carmelite friar, I continue to do my work in the secular world as responsibly as I could, fully aware that my profession -- my writing -- is my dharma. It is the medium by which I celebrate God's love for me and return that gift through pursuing my vision of transformational media.

One of the things I admire about Teresa is that although she was a highly intelligent woman and a skilled writer of many books, poems and songs, she was also in touch with her emotions. She did not allow herself to wallow in logic and despite her many administrative tasks, her heart still ruled over her head. It is one of the things I have to learn. To be less cerebral. To relax. To be less controlling. To realize that I am not responsible for the lives and happiness of the people around me. I can only be responsible for myself.

Although she was a famous mystic who had numerous experiences of ecstasy in her lifetime (sometimes resulting in levitation especially when in prayer), Teresa was the first to warn her convent sisters not to pursue such experiences. Had it not been for the edifying feelings that overcame her, she had commented, the symptoms of ecstasy could have easily been rabies! (Did I mention she had a marvelous sense of humor too?)

One of my favorite quotes from Madre Teresa about prayer is from her book, "The Foundations": I do not deny that it is a favor from the Lord if someone is able to be always meditating on His works, and it is good that one strives to do so. However, it must be understood that not all imaginations are by their nature capable of this meditating, but all souls are capable of loving... The soul is not the mind, nor is the will directed by thinking, for this would be very unfortunate. Hence the soul's progress does not lie in thinking much but in loving much."

I write this to remind myself. The Elephant Man... I remember him and how he died fulfilling his ideal of being truly human. He allowed his head to rest.

Sacred Time, Sacred Space

And so I am back!

After almost a year of absence, it's a miracle that I could even remember my login name, much more my password. The last 12 months flew by so quickly, it was as if it was only yesterday that I entered my last post -- almost 12 months ago.

Well, just to wrap up the previous posts, my second book "Lisa Macuja: Ballerina of the People" was launched last September 29, 2006 at Lisa's 20th homecoming anniversary concert. It was a smashing success, despite the devastation of Typhoon Milenyo. In fact, more people than expected came because there was electricity (powered by a mammoth generator) at Aliw Theater when the rest of the city languished in darkness and humidity. At least the audience had a good 2-3 hours of comfort and entertainment! Not to mention, free food and drinks at the cocktails that followed :-)

Lisa was quite happy about how her book came out and there have been many encouraging comments about it. We are scheduling a book signing event at Powerbooks Greenbelt 4 this coming February 20 for those who missed the launch.

At the moment, I am wrapping up an editing job for my friend Jeannie Javelosa, as I prepare to commence editing the memoirs of my Mommie Angel, Cecilia Arnaldo Gutierrez (recently departed mum of my friend Chin-Chin) and finally, working on my third book, a textbook on media management commissioned by Anvil.

In 2005, I promised myself that I would publish one book a year between the ages of 40 and 60. So far, so good.

These days however, it has been increasingly difficult for me to find quiet time to collect my thoughts. Freelancing has its compromises. With the freedom from rules and expectations comes the risk on financial security. More and more, I find myself wondering if I made the right decision to leave a job that was lucrative as it was predictable, in exchange for jumping into the void.

I've been swimming in the void for over three years now and fortunately, God always threw me a line just when I am about to sink. My friend Chin-Chin would always remind me: "Tread. Float. Just tread and keep your head above the water". I have to keep on reminding her that it is precisely the reason why I cannot swim -- I never learned to tread. I could not even relax enough to float. I am dead weight in the water. But somehow, in the pool of Life, I manage to paddle along.

And so, I return to this blog seeking some sacred time, some sacred space. Finding that private corner where I am safe and content, maybe even happy. Dressing up my thoughts even if they have nowhere to go. I am learning to tread.

Chin-Chin lost her home to a fire and her mother to heart failure in all of three weeks. I stood by her through this harrowing time. I saw the peace and tranquility of her complete surrender to the will of God. Fate and Faith in a melodious harmony of praise in the tradition of Job: "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away... Blessed be the name of the Lord!" I am privileged to have witnessed this testimonial to forebearance and hope. I am humbled by knowing all my imaginary petty torments are nothing compared to the very real pain and loss suffered by some of the people closest to me... And the grace by which they have survived these.

As I turn inwards in these few and precious minutes, I am edified. There is no reason why I should struggle against the current. Or why I should sink.

Tread. Float. Keep my head above the water. Babies don't drown in the womb. Go back to the womb-like state... Relax. Curl up and allow the water to cradle my aching body. Give up all resistance. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Sigh.