In my room, I have stacks of journals dating from over ten years back. And if I randomly took one out and cut a page open, chances are that I would read about a situation that mirrors the one I am in right now. Of finding direction. Following a course. Doing God's will and knowing that it is so.
Mother Angelica of the EWTN fame once said that we should first conduct our lives in the manner of Christ and then we will realize God's will. That we should not expect that Divine Will to unfold before us like a scroll that has everything written out, or like a map that has the detailed directions of how to get from here to there. First we have to be comfortable with the not knowing. And then we shall know.
Every morning, I start out with that optimism. As the day fades out, so does my exuberance.
I pray. I really do. And I work hard to keep my spirits up. It has been difficult. To have so many gifts and yet not know what to do with them. Not know how or where to start. To start out so enthusiastically at a journey and only to buckle towards the end.
At the start of the year, one of my "comfort zones" was taken away from me. It was not an abrupt change, but rather a situation that grew over the years. It just became too difficult to ignore. I was able to deceive myself for almost four years, but not the other party. My business partner saw through my struggle -- that of convincing myself that I can move on to a completely different endeavor under new circumstances and leave my old world and its ways behind. It was shaky from the start. Although we had many public successes together, things were different from behind the scenes. First of all, I wasn't used to staying behind the scenes and after a while, subconscious shadows began showing through the cracks. As the years wore on, no matter how much we tried to make things work, our differences simply outweighed our similarities. And no amount of good intentions can save the reality of the situation. Painful as it was, there was no choice but to part ways.
At first, I felt I had no choice. That the decision was made for me. My business partner was quite adamant about the split and was unshaken in the belief that it is what God wants for us, to enable both of us to move forward and grow individually. In the beginning, I thought it all happened so abruptly. But soon, in prayer, I realized that it was an eventuality four years in the making: I had already decided it would end this way the day I took on the job knowing that I could never fully embrace it. In fairness, I tried. But I did not try hard enough. I have to love my work. And love does not come through mere force or persuasion. I genuinely liked and admired the person I was working with but that was not enough reason to take on such a position, knowing I wasn't cut out for it. I never learned to love the work and soon enough, I started hating it. That's when the trouble began. I didn't realize it right away until I started venting, vacillating, swinging from one mood to the other, just trying to escape the responsibility. I acted selectively, doing more of what I like and ignoring what I don't. That tipped the balance and after many attempts to patch things up, it finally boiled down to this.
I am grateful for having a business partner who is also a friend, one who challenged me to face those shadows and not be overcome by them. Despite the inconvenience and the uncertainty it would bring, this same friend dealt with me toughly. Who am I? What is my purpose? What do I really want for myself? Where do I want to go? It was the only way to get me moving towards wellness and wholeness again. I was hurting too many people with my unhappiness. Most of all, I was hurting myself.
I always knew I was creative. But I contented myself with being a shadow to those who I thought were more accomplished than myself. Is it because I am insecure about my own abilities? Or because I didn't want to take responsibility for them? I am trying to find that out now that I am back to working on my own. Back to the old career but hopefully with new and fresh perspective.
I recently took a quick test on archetypes and saw that both my Destroyer and Creator selves scored above the average. The facilitator said it was a tricky situation because there was so much potential for both sabotage and success. He posed a question that rings in my head: "You have so much creative potential. But are you creating from authenticity? Or are you just being nice?"
I've had enough of "just being nice". In fact, practically all my professional life was about "just being nice". As my friend said, my "healing is more important than getting a job done or playing a role which only veils paying attention"...
Enough of the shadows. It is not what I do but who I am that will define me. Time to shift from human doing to human being.
It's cumbersome. But it's the only way to find my way back Home.
That's why I went back to writing. This is a starting point of my journey back to the Source. It is the only thing in my life that has remained constant. I just have to carefully consider now what I write about, who I'm writing for, why I'm writing and where I want to go with this. Am I writing from an authentic self? Or am I just being nice (also translated as pleasing the bosses or making a living).
In closing, my friend (a very wise person indeed) once told me: A baby does not drown in the womb. Writing is the womb I was conceived in. This is where I thrive and I fear nothing. There are no shadows here. Only Light. Only Life.
It is a good place to start.
